Months ago, our sources were able to find multiple leaked email conversations between celebrities such as Drake, Kanye, Meek Mill, and President Obama. After taking an extended break, our sources were able to find another exchange. This time, between Drake and Kanye after the “Work” video was released today.
A condensed version of the conversation is below:
From: firstname.lastname@example.org: to email@example.com: 11:19am:
THE RELEASE OF SAINT’S PICS TODAY WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE BEST MULATTO INFANT PICTURE RELEASE EVENT OF ALL-TIME!!! BIGGER THAN MICHAEL JACKSON’S KIDS. AND JESUS. BUT YOU HAD TO RUIN IT BY RELEASING THE WORK VIDEO TODAY. NOW EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT YOU AND RIHANNA. AND NOT SAINT’S AMAZING CHEEKBONES AND KANYE-ESQUE WIT. THE POPE EVEN RETWEETED YOU. THE MOTHERFUCKING POPE! I GET NO PAPAL RETWEETS! AND THE POPE’S LOINCLOTH AND CAPE DESIGNER WAS INSPIRED BY YEEZUS SEASON 2!
BUT BRO, I STAY GIVING YOU LOVE! I EVEN SAW YOU ON THE SIDELINES DURING ALL-STAR WEEKEND AND GAVE YOU PROPS! YOU HAD ON NICE SHOES AND I EVEN TOLD NORI YOUR EYEBROWS WERE HOT. #DRAKEHASHOTEYEBROWS. BUT IT’S NO LOVE NO MORE. THIS IS THE OLD KANYE. THE OLD SEAS SCROLLS KANYE. THE NO GLOVE KANYE. THE HOLD A GRUDGE KANYE.
I NEED SOME LEMONS.
From: firstname.lastname@example.org: to email@example.com: 11:37am:
Ye, my dude, I’m sorry. I truly am. I really, truly, deeply, and passionately had nothing do with with the Work video dropping today. That was Rihanna’s decision. It’s Rihanna’s fault. Like everything else. My beard. The first 27 seconds of Hotline Bling. My relationship with Kyle Lowry’s pets. This Jamaican Ginger Beer-scented cologne I’m wearing. My selfie style — solemn but never sad; silent but never starving; yelding but never yawning; still but never scared. Everything.
I spent three nights with Rihanna three years ago. And nothing has been the same since. We went to VLive and Waffle House. She’d always get pancakes and hash browns. I’d get Pancakes and hash browns too, because twinsies. I’d refer to us as “a millennial Michelle and Barack.” And she’d always say “Stop talking so much during head, bitch. I can’t concentrate. Come up when I’m done, not when you want to chat.”
I loved her so much.
From: firstname.lastname@example.org: to email@example.com: 12:49pm:
BRO, I UNDERSTAND! FORGET EVERYTHING I SAID EARLIER ABOUT YOUR EYEBROWS. AND FORGET ABOUT THE MESSAGES I WROTE BUT NEVER SENT THAT ARE SITTING IN MY DRAFTS FOLDER ABOUT HOW YOU WOULDN’T EXIST IF NOT FOR 808S AND HOW YOUR POOL MIGHT BE BIGGER THAN MINE BUT MY DICK IS BIGGER THAN YOUR POOL. I’M SORRY, BRO. I’M IN A BETTER SPACE NOW. I HAVE AN ULTRA LIGHT TEAM AROUND ME NOW THAT KEEPS ME SAVED AND GENERATED WITH THE BRIGHTEST OF ENERGIES!!! NORE, KIM, SAINT, KYLIE, KIRK FRANKLIN, AZIZ ANSARI, DAME JUDI DENCH, AND CLIFF PAUL. MY TEAM IS LIKE THE WARRIORS. NOT THE GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS, BUT THE ACTUAL MOVIE THE WARRIORS.
WE’RE ACTUALLY ALL ABOUT TO GO TO LASERTAG. KIM HATES BEING ON MY TEAM, SO I’LL NEED A PARTNER. YOU WANT TO COME???? I HAVE PRETZELS AND HONEY ROASTED PEANUTS IN THE LIMO. AND CONSEQUENCE! #CONSEQUENCELIVESINMYLIMO
From: firstname.lastname@example.org: to email@example.com: 1:37pm:
Bruh! Bruh! Bruh! That makes me so verklempt!!! If you were near me I’d give you the longest hug. Not too long for it to be awkward. But long enough for you to know I meant it. And then I’d give you the longest, most intricate dap, ever. I’ve been working on my dap game since Rihanna left me too. Future and I work on it between studio sessions and Instagram screen shotting sprees. He’s from Atlanta, so he’s a bit more advanced. But I’m catching up. I’ve been in the three-way gym mirrors all winter, doing dips and working on different daps by myself. By the time the summer gets here, I’ll be caught up to Future. He’ll even ask me for dap tips.
This reminds me of the last time I called my mom. I was like “Hi mom.” She was like “Who’s this?” I said “It’s me, mom. Your son. Drake.” And she was like “You know I hate it when you call yourself Drake. Aubrey is a perfectly fine name for an Afro-Canadian Jew. From now on, I’ll just call you Jewfro.” And I was like “Okay mom.” And she was like “So why are you calling today, Jewfro?” And I was like “Remember that summer in 2004. When I really wanted to go to Darien Lake to ride the water rides? But we didn’t have any money? Remember what you did for me?” And she was like “Of course I do Jewfro.” And I was like “You told me to go stand under the porch with a blindfold on, and I did. And then you came outside and threw water balloons at me. It wasn’t Darien Lake, but it was exciting and I got wet. I love you mom.” And she was like “I love you too, Jewfro.”